Tak Kembali

Pagi yang kosong- cerah yang gulita; dingin perlahan

menyelimuti luka

Daun tak pernah mengutuki angin karna tlah

memisahkannya dari dahan, namun tiap malam

kau serapahi ingatan

Rinduku penuh dan pada pagi selalu

terhampar jalan yang panjang

Aku buih napas yang tak akan kembali pada ragamu;

yang pernah menghidupkanmu dan

bernapas di dalammu

Aku senja yang kau tinggalkan, fajar yang kau ragukan

yang pernah ada diantara

pagi pucatmu.


Jakarta, April 2017


I’ll Be Right There


This is my favorite part in Kyung-Sook Shin’s novel, I’ll Be Right There. Somehow, the narrative was reflecting my feelings toward something that I missed..

The future rushes in and all we can do is take our memories and move forward with them. Memory keeps only what it wants. Image from memories are sprinkled throughout our lives but that does not mean we must believe that our own or other people’s memories are of things that really happened. When someone stubbornly insists that they saw something with their own eyes. I take it as a statement mixed with wishful thinking. As they want to believe.

Yet as imperfect as memories are, whenever I am faced with one. I cannot help getting lost in thought. Especially when that memory reminds me of what it felt like to be always a step behind. Why was it so hard for me to open my eyes every morning, why was I so afraid to form a relationship with anyone, and why was I nevertheless able to break down my walls and find him?(*)